instant crush

interpersonal thoughts, or something

This past Saturday I did something I haven’t done in a long time which was go to a gathering of a group of friends. I didn’t really even do this much in college because I didn’t really function well in group environments that were not facilitated by alcohol in some way, and after a while I didn’t even want to be around or in groups of people even when our interactions were facilitated by alcohol.

I met this group of people through the twists and turns of the internet; less vaguely, I met this group of people through one of the members of the group who I met on a dating app. That’s how I meet new people, in this place where I don’t really meet new people. I lie, and say we met through a video game. It’s only a partial lie because the first time we talk is through the video game.

A note on meeting people through dating apps: don’t do it, unless you really intend to date them, or otherwise be romantically involved, be it casual or serious or whatever is in between and beyond. A further note on dating apps: they’re completely useless if you have a crush and are trying to get rid of or erase the crush.

Anyhow, I am invited to a larger group voice chat, which is where I meet everyone else. I like the group dynamic they have and at some point it becomes totally unconscionable to try and muster ideas of romance with the person I met through the dating app. Partly because after listening in on a group of friends it’s so much more obvious to me that I’m a manic depressive, partly because my previous experience with intimate interpersonal relationships has me mostly convinced that I don’t have it in me to love someone the way people need to be loved, partly because I don’t have romantic interests in the person, partly because I develop what I identify as a crush on someone else in the group.

It’s an insane crush, obviously, completely illogical, like some kind of weird twist of the knife of cupid. It’s stupid that cupid would ever have arrows from a distance, that little fucker would obviously get right up in your