9
year 9, letter 5, 11:05 pm
12 March 2018
so close to 10, but that isn’t it’s only significance.
9 years is a long time. 9 times I’ve lived and relived today. They say some things get easier. And in some ways it is easier. It is an old fact now, but old facts can still hurt. Somehow it hurts when I make it about me, and not about you. So let’s make this about you.
The first memory that I can will back, that came to me was of you, sitting in a faded dark baseball cap, eating sunflower seeds, striped black and white out of a bright red bag. You’re behind the metal bench that controls the scoreboard. The sky is blue, and it’s so sunny. We’re at a softball game.
I see you crying, but they’re happy tears. We’re watching the 2008 Opening Ceremony of the Summer Olympics in Beijing. You’re so proud.
I’m sitting on your shoulders. I pat your head. I’m small, and we’re headed to the community park. Now we’re watching fireworks. These are two conflated memories, but I’ve sat on your shoulders many times. You’ve placed me on your shoulders many times.
You’re in a hospital bed. There’s a dent in your head an no recognition in your eyes. I hold your hand and you squeeze back. I am full of faith.
We’re playing catch in the park by the elementary school. The grass is so green, and I love this game.
You’re kissing me goodnight. Your whiskers scratch my face, but I don’t dislike it. This is home. I feel safe. It’s Sunday morning. The Superbowl is today. You hand me your phone, so I can call you to come pick me up after I finish my Chinese school exam. I never call. My phone rings first.
Today there’s only pain, but that is because today I am so alone. I don’t feel like I’m living my life right. I think I’ve become a despicable person. I have all these big dreams that are so empty. I have so much doubt. And I am so alone, so I miss you more. Somehow, without you today, I am so much more alone. And somehow I feel it’s my fault again. I don’t know whether this is true or not.
Things I do know today are that I miss you and I want to sit on that grassy green hill where your body is buried. I want to look at the sky, and I want to feel the breeze, and I want to cry. I miss you. I miss having a dad. I just want to be loved today, Dad, and with you gone, I have one less person to love me.
I need to be stronger. I need to carry you forward. I love you. I miss you so much. I love you.