7 (september's end)
year 7, letter 3, 3:08 am
14 March 2016
i remember after you passed, i turned to music to help me cope. green day was one of those bands, and they had a song, wake me up when september ends. and that song had a line:
like my father’s come to pass, seven years has gone so fast
and i would never believe that 7 years actually would pass. but it really has been 7 years. everything really just does keep going, doesn’t it?
i’m going to college later this year. before that, we’re moving to virginia. and before that, i’m graduating high school. looking back at it now, i guess you never even got to see me start middle school, and here i am, almost leaving home. i’m a little blown away. i know endings are inevitable, and with them come new beginnings, but why’s it got to be so goddamned hard? i don’t want to leave. i don’t want to move on i really do not. sometimes i wish i could just stay in my depression and sadness forever if it could mean holding on to you. but time is a little stronger than that, and really, things fade. it will of course always be a fundamental part of me, but i suppose if i had lost an arm, after a while i’d be accustomed to not having an arm. losing you is starting to feel like that a little bit. i’m forgetting what having a dad means.
but more than that. even physically, we’re moving away. and this feels so much more final than anything else that has happened. when we sold your old toyota camry. when mr. carl moved in. now we’re actually leaving. the home you and mom built, the memories we built in this town, this place. maybe that’s why people want to leave, but you are very much a reason i don’t ever want to leave. because i know, i know that things fade when you aren’t constantly with them. you are the proof of that, in any case. there’s some things that i don’t want to fade.
there’s all that about keeping things in your heart forever but there’s a certain concreteness that that lacks. i’m a little more scared than i’ve ever been at the prospect of letting go.
at the same time, dad, the feeling of living a happy life is something i’ve come to experience. i’m finding little things more beautiful. big things too of course, but it’s been a lot easier for me to find beautiful things. i’m glad for that. drapes of wisteria, the sweeping green hills in wood canyon, little pots of flowers. there’s beauty here. it’s not all dark, and it’s certainly not all sadness. i’ve been feeling pretty happy as of late. i really have. i think i’ve gotten a little bit better at being positive.
the song ends with billie joe singing
like my father’s come to pass, twenty years has gone so fast
one thing’s for sure. i’ll write you a letter every year. i hate that it feels like we’re strangers. i will not let go.
i love you.